Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
