Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
