Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
