He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
