guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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