If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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