Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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