Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
