I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
