Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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