I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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