I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
