There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
