party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
zippers are such a cool invention
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
