Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
