I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
