Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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