nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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