I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
