The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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