third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
