just tell him i said nine months
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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