remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
