Whod you bang
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
