he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
