I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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