Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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