I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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