tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
