if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
