Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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