If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
