Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
