I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
