Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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