Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
