you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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