cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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