btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
