3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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