Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
