Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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