i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
