I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
