did you get engaged???
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
