We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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