I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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