The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
