The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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