And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
