Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
