all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
