who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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