I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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